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| Written by Dr. John E. Russell Sr |
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I works hard. When I sits, I sits loose. And when I thinks, I falls asleep. The cow went dry. The barn burned down. His favorite coon dog died. All the corn burned up in the drought. Then, when he was driving his tractor down the highway, a semi forced him into the ditch. As he lay pinned under his tractor, it started to rain. The ditch began filling up and he looked up to heaven and said, "Why me, Lord?" A voice thundered from heaven, "I don't know, boy, But there's just somethin' 'bout you That aggavates me!" Two children were walking down a country lane and I overheard them talking: "Say, Joe, whatcha got in that sack?" "I got me some smart pills!" "Smat pills? Gimmie some o' dem smat pills!" "Cost you a quarter." Sam hands Joe a quarter, and Joe gives Sam half a dozen white pills. Sam pops one in his mouth and says, "Say, that sho tastes like a salt tablet." "Lookit dat boy—gettin' smat already!" An Okie meets his Aggie friend walking toward him with a burlap bag over his shoulder: "Say, Clem, whatcha got in that sack?" "Got me some chickens!" "Chickens? Ah sho would love to have some chickens!" "Tell you what, Guess how many chickens I got in this sack, An' I'll give you boff of 'em." "Uh, three?" "You peeked! But, tell you what I'm agonna do: I'll keep the White Leghorn, The Rhode Island Red and the Dominecker. You can have the Banty. The Aggie meets his hippy friend leading a goat on a rope. The Aggie says, "Say, where did ya git that goat?" "Down at the stockyards f' ten dollas." "Man, you ain't no place to keep a goat. Where you going to keep him at?" "In m' room." "In yore room? But what about the smell?" "He'll have to git used to that!" This conversation was overheard in the Ozarks: "Say, Clem, you and I aire best friends Ain't we?" "Shore, we bin friens since We wuz younguns." "If you had a milyon dollars Would you give me half?" "Shore, I'd give you haff." "If you had two brand-new Cadillacs Would you give me one?" "Shore, I'd give you one." "If you had two hogs Would you give me one?" (Pause) "Shucks, Sam You know Ah got two hawgs!" (WE POKE ALONG) Two old men were working for the WPA and leaning on their shovels. Clem says, "Say, Moe, what time you got?" (Moe takes his pocket watch out of his bib overalls and looks at it. Then, he shows it to Clem). (Pause) "Sho is, ain't it?" Ol' Clem bought a new-fangled chainsaw yesterday and brought it back to Sam's general store today: "Sam," said Clem, "You said I could cut ten times more cordwood with this thing than with my old crosscut saw. Why, I only cut half a cord yesterday! This confounded thang ain't no good. I want my money back." Sam called his helper and said, "Take this saw around the back and check it out." The assistant disappeard through the back door. There was a loud VAROOMMM! The startled Clem yelled, "What's that noise?" Two men were digging a ditch, and the sweat was just pouring off them. Their foreman was seated, leaning back against a large oak tree and drinking a cool glass of lemonade. Clem says to the Moe, "Boy, has he got it made in the shade!" "Yeah, with a glass of lemonade!" "Why does he get paid more than we do an' we do all the work?" "Ah don't know— Ah'll go ask him." Clem walks over to the foreman, and asks him. The foreman answers, "I don't know if I can explain it to you But I'll show you. Here, hit my hand!" The supervisor places his hand against the oak and then moves it. Clem hits the tree. Clem walks back to Moe, shaking his hand in pain. Moe asks, "Whut did he say?" "Wal, he didn't say. He showed me." "Wal show me." Clem puts his hand over his face and says, "Hit my hand!" The elevator broke down between floors and passengers were stranded for an hour. "Phew!" one of the passengers complained, "Somebody's deodorant just ran out." After a pause, a voice came from the back of the elevator: "Couldn't be mine. I never use the stuff!" A yankee had car trouble while driving in the rural south. He walked to the nearest farmhouse, where a large number of children were playing in the front yard. "Pardon me, madam," he asked their mother, "Do you have a monkey wrench?" "This here ain't no monkey ranch," she indignantly answered, "These here are my chillen!" I pulled in to a country store one cold winter day. The owner was sitting near a pot-bellied stove, playing checkers with a dog. "Boy, that sure is a smart dog!" I exclaimed. "Naw," he drawled, "He ain't so smart. I just beat him 2 out of 3 games." One cowboy to another: "Didja hear about Zeke? Got his nose broke in four places. He don't go to them places no more!" (Lex Graham, The Back Forty) Clem arrives at the construction site and approaches the labor foreman. "Say, could you use another hand?" "Sure, you can go to work now." "How much you gonna pay me?" "We'll pay you what you're worth." "Ain't working fer nobody fer them wages!" Jed had cold that just kept hanging on, so he went to the doctor. "Jed, the doctor said, "You've got galloping consumption and you need to move to Arizona or you're not long for this world." Jed didn't have the money to move, so Sam and Joe, two of his Missouri fishing buddies took up a collection for him, and he moved to Arizona. After two weeks in Arizona, Jed died and his body was shipped back to Missouri. Sam and Joe visited the funeral home and were alone with the body. Joe had his hands in his hip pockets and Sam had his thumbs behind the straps of his bib overalls as they looked on the lifeless form of their friend Jed. "Boy, Joe said, "He shore does look good, don't he!" "Yep, Sam agreed, "He never looked better. Them two weeks in Arizona done him a world o' good!" Hog farmers were sitting around a pot- bellied stove in the country store, swapping tales. After about an hour of listening to them brag, an old timer told this story: "Did I ever tell you boys about that prize razorback I raised back in the thirties? Kept him penned-up for ten months, then decided to butcher him. On second thought, I fed him all the whole grain corn he could eat for another six months. Then, I took my hammer out to the pen to knock him in the head. But, when I drew the hammer back, he got spooked, ran through a crack and the cat got him." How to tell when a razorback is ready for market: Hold him by the ears. If his rear goes down, he's ready. If his snout goes down first, feed him another month. The scene is an old western town and an old prospector is leading his pack mule into town. As he approaches a group of cowboys, a young upstart says to the others, "Watch me have some fun with this old coot!" He then walks into the dirt street to meet the prospector and taunts, "Hey, old-timer, do you know how to dance?" He drew both of his six-guns and began to shoot near the old man's feet, kicking up dust around his boots. The old prospector did a stiff little hop for the young cowboy. Finally, the cowboy's six-shooters went, "Click, click." The old prospector calmly walked to his mule, took a shotgun from its holster, walked back to the cowboy, cradled the shotgun in his left arm, stuck the end of the barrel under the cowboy's nose, and asked him, "Sonny, did you ever kiss a mule?" The cowboy forced a smile and said, "Nawsuh! But I always wanted to!" It took an aggie a week to drive from Dallas to San Antonio. His friends in San Antonio asked, "Why in the world did it take a week to drive 250 miles?" "You know all them `CLEAN REST ROOMS' signs on I-35?" "Yes." "Well, you know how I obey all them road signs!" Two British men were visiting the US. They decided to take a ride in rural Mississippi. They saw an old farmer leaning on a fence post. One said to the other, "Watch me have some fun with this old farmer." "I say there, old boy, doesn't look you had much of a corn crop." The old farmer replied dryly, "I speck not son—that's sugar cane!" "Well, uh, do you eat all the syrup you produce?" questioned the Englishman. The farmer answered. "We eat all we can, and what we can't, we can," When the Englishmen arrived back home, one said to his friends, "Let me tell you an American joke. I asked a farmer if he ate all he grew. He replied, `We eat all we're able, and what's left, we tin.'" Exasperated mother to her son: "Rasmus, you ain't got the sense you was born with." You ain't nevah had the sense you was born with!" Exasperated mother to her son: "Rasmus, git in thet kitchen, git thet dishrag, and wipe yo' snotty nose! If there's anything I despise, it's nastiness!" Exasperated mother to her son: "Rasmus, what you got there, a watermelon? How many times I told you not to steal watermelons? (She thumps the mellon). "A green watermelon! The next time you steals a green watermelon, Ah'm gonna whoop the daylights out of you!" I enjoyed visiting my inlaws in the small country town of Aldrich, Missouri. The population was about 80, which included dogs and cows. The main occupation was whittling. The main sport was watching haircuts. The county newspaper was so thin, you could read a newspaper through it. <><From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM. |
| Last Updated on Sunday, 07 August 2011 18:43 |