| Poems |
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| Written by Dr. John E. Russell Sr |
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God gave us two ends: One to sit on, One to use. Success depends on which you use: Heads you win, Tails you lose! If your deeds are many and your rewards are few, remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you! 1 He's a poet and don't know it. But his feet show it They are long fellows. 2 He's a poet and don't know it. But his wallet shows it. He's very Poe. 'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house, Not a creature was stirring— Th' spoons wuz all dirty. There was an old man from Nantucket, Who kept his cash in a bucket. One day his daughter Nan Ran away with a man. And as fer the bucket, Nan took it. What the nose knows? Speak, beak! There was an old man from Kent, Whose nose was exceedingly bent. One day, I suppose, He followed his nose. And nobody knows where he went! Hickory, dickory, dock, Two mice ran up the Clock. The clock struck one, But the other escaped With minor injuries And superficial lacerations About the head and shoulders. Little Miss Mary Quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With Vigero, You Schmo! Starkle, starkle, little twink. You're so very high up there, I think. Up above the scarry sty, Like a dime one In the sky. Swhisshy May, Swhisshy Mite, Haime what I swhish tonite. I jus' had tee martuniees, An' I'm soberly perfect. In fack, I'm not as drunk As some thinkle Peep I am. If you drive, don't drink. If you drink, don't drive. If you think, don't drink. If you drink, you don't think. 1 There once was a young lady named Bright, Whose speed was faster than light. She went away one day in a relative way, And came back the previous night. 2 There once was a young lady named Bright, Whose speed was faster than light. She went away one day in a relative way. And came back and gave me a sunburn. Harry was a chemist, But Harry is no more. What he drank for H2O. Was H2SO4. There was a young lady named Lynn, Whose form was so exceedingly thin, That when she essayed To drink lemonade She slipped through the straw And fell in. An epicure, while dining in Caru Found quite a large mouse in his stew. Whispered the waiter, Don't Shout Und schling it about Or Der rest vill be vanting one too! Fly, little 'skeeterhawk, On gossamer wings. And gobble-up bugs What bites and stings! Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, And sat down beside her. And she ate him, too—hey! Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean. And so, you see, between them both, Their cholesterol averaged mean. Thirty days has September, April, June and No wonder! All the rest got peanut butter sammiches, 'Cept grammaw—she got a little red motorcycle. 'Twas in the cafe Where they met, This Romeo and Juliet. He had no cash to pay the debt, So Romie owed what Julie et. Down in the holler Not very far off. A Jaybird died with th' whoopin' cough. He whooped and he hollered and he whooped and he coughed. 'Til he whooped his haid and his tail right off! Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint idea with my computer, There was a slight noise—an intruder! Away to the window I flew like a flash, Opened the shutters and raised the sash. Then what to my wondrous eyes should see on the ledging! But what appeared to be a fuzzball fledgling. After a short search in my CD ROM encyclopedia "He is a Rari!" said my multimedia. Not much was known about them. They were just rare And needed tons of tender-loving care. (And tons of food, too!) Not a sound did he utter As he ate bread and butter. And he ate everything else in the house `Cept Snuffy my dog and Carolyn my spouse. I couldn't afford to feed him And the zoo didn't need him. I was in a stew, So I did what I had to do. I loaded him on my flatbed truck And drove him over the cliff to chuck. He looked at me with mournful eyes, And to my great surprise, Spoke his first words recordari, "That's a long way to tip a Rari!" A frequent flyer had this poem printed on the reverse of his business card: I see that you smoke. I want to warn you, I chew. If you don't blow smoke on me, I won't spit on you! Slippery ice—very thin; Pretty girl—tumbled in. Gave a shriek—then she sank. Boy on hand—heard her shout; Jumped right in—pulled her out. Now he's hers—very nice; But first she had to break the ice. (Phillip Wannamacher) Susie had a mama cat. She fed her on tin cans. And when the kittens came along, they came in FORD sedans! There once was a young lady from Natchez Whose clothes were covered in patches. When asked why She would reply When it itches I scratches! Little peanut crawled upon the railroad track. His heart was all aflutter. Roar! Squish! Peanut butter. Tripe, tripe the more you eat the less you gripe. The less you gripe the better you feel. So eat your tripe at every meal. 'Twas early in the morning in the noonday shade when the Russians caught the charge of the light brigade. Cannons to the left cannons to the right and the cheerleaders were yelling Fight! Fight! Fight! (But we were all killed). Ladies and gentlemen hobos and tramps crosseyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants: I stand before you To tell you that I I stand behind you. As you all know next Thursday is Good Friday. There will be a Father's Day meeting for mothers only. No admission pay at the door. Pull up a chair and sit on the floor. "Let me see, now," said the blind carpenter to his deaf daughter as he picked up his hammer and saw! <><From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM. |