Pithy Sayings Print
Written by Dr. John E. Russell Sr   
***
OF EVERYTHING I EVER LOST
I miss my mind the most.
***
THE ANSWER'S NO!
Now what's the question?
***
USE YOUR BRAIN
It's the little things in life that count.
***
MEMORY
I never will forget ol' what's-his-name.
***
GOOD THINGS ABOUT A SHORT MEMORY
1
You can enjoy the same newspaper for a month.
2
You make new friends everyday.
3
You forget your worries.
***
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY
(It just hasn't developed yet).
***
I'M NOT LAZY.
I'm just so fast
that I'm always finished.
***
SPELLBOUND
Fellow bad spellers,
UNTIE!
***
CLEANLINESS
Is next to impossible.
***
WHERE THERE'S A WILL
There's relatives!
***
PIGGING OUT
Never eat more
than you can lift
At one sitting.
(Miss Piggy)
***
JULY 4
He who drinks a fifth on the fourth
May not come forth on the fifth.
***
POP
I don't drink anything stronger than pop.
Pop drinks anything.
***
WE HAVE THE BEST POLITICIANS
money can buy.
***
ITS SO QUIET
You could hear a tear drop.
***
ITS SO QUIET
You could hear a cough drop.
***
HOW TO LIVE TO BE 100
Get to 99
Then be very careful!
***
THERE'S NO GNU
Like a new gnu.
***
I KNOW A SURGEON WHO'S A REAL CUT-UP
Keeps everybody in stitches!
***
SAID THE HANGMAN TO THE HANGEE
What a dope! I ran out of rope.
Said the hangee to the hangman
No noose is good news.
***
I WOULD HAVE GONE TO DENTAL SCHOOL
but I didn't have enough pull.
***
NO BORDERLINE JOKES
Like Mason said to Dixon,
"We've got to draw the line someplace!"
***
THERE ARE NO ABSOLUTES
And that's the absolute truth!
***
I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES
Don't exaggerate!
***
ON SAFETY
Some people drive a car for years
And never have wreck.
I've driven a wreck for years
And never had a car.
***
STAY AWAY FROM WATER
Until you learn how to swim!
***
YOU SAY AMERICA IS IGNORANT AND APATHETIC?
I don't know and I don't care!
(Based on William Safire)
***
YOU CAN OBSERVE A LOT BY WATCHING!
(Yogi Berra)
***
WE'LL TALK LOUD AND DRAW A CROWD
(Bill Cosby)
***
IT'S SO CROWDED
Nobody goes there anymore.
(Yogi Berra)
***
BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP
But ugliness goes clear to the bone.
***
YOU GOT A POINT THERE.
But if you'll put a hat on it,
nobody will ever notice.
(Pogo Possum)
***
WHEN YOU TALK TO ME
Shut up!
(Leo Rosten)
***
THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK.
I'll waste no time reading it.
(Moses Hadas)
***
THE PHONE RANG AT 3:00 A.M.
"Oh! did I wake you up?"
"That's OK.
I had to get up
to answer the phone anyway."
***
STOP AIR POLLUTION
Shut down your local TV station.
***
WE HAS DISCOVERED THE ENEMY
And they is us!
(Pogo Possum)
***
MECHANICS' MOTTO
Never force a part.
Use a bigger hammer.
***
SMART ALECK
This guy's a real card!
Yeah, a joker.
He needs to be dealt with.
***
FOUR FOOD GROUPS
Hamburgers
Pizza
Tacos
and
French Fries.
***
WORDS OF WISDUMB
Just remember
wherever you go
there you are.
***
MUD
Just remember
Mud spelled backwards is
DUM.
(Bugs Bunny)
***
GIVE SOME PEOPLE AN INCH
and they think they're a ruler.
***
IT ALL ADDS UP
First, there was the old math.
Then they switched to the new math.
Then came the aftermath.
***
ALL ABOARD
Anybody who can't get aboard
Get a plank.
***
SHIFTED
I used to have
an hourglass figure,
but m' sand shifted!
(Ma Kettle)
***
A TERMITE WALKS UP TO A BAR
and demands,
"Ok, where's the bar tender?"
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.

John E. Russell 1993-2004