| Medical Jokes |
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| Written by Dr. John E. Russell Sr |
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During my hernia surgery in the VA Hospital in Kansas City, Tom, a young medical student was assigned to interview me. He was also a practicing attorney. He was pleasant and a good sport. I couldn't resist telling him this joke: Mr. Jones was dying. He called his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. They both entered quietly and stood solemnly near the door. When Mr. Jones continued to lay there with his eyes closed, his physician broke the silence. "Mr. Jones, we're here—what would you like for us to do?" Mr. Jones answered with an impish grin, "Just stand on one side of the bed, and have my lawyer stand on the other—I want to die like my Lord—a thief on both sides!" from actual medical records dictated by physicians: By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. Patient was released to outpatient department with out dressing. The Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. Healthy appearing decrepit 80-year-old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient had no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. The patient's past medical history has been remarkable insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. She is numb from her toes down. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. There's a new medical specialty now, called psychoceramics— the study of crackpots. A NEUROTIC builds air castles. A PSYCHOTIC lives in them. And a psychiatrist collects the rent! A NEUROTIC knows 2 + 2 = 4 But it makes him "so nervous." A PSYCHOTIC knows 2 + 2 = 5 But it only works in HIS mind. A SOCIOPATH knows 2 + 2 = 4 But he could care less. PARADOX: Two doctors. DOCTRINE: Lady doctor. MEDICINE: Something you shake up and take. RUG: Something you take up and shake. EPISTLE: Wife of an Apostle. "Joe, you have appendicitis," pronounced the doctor, "$100, please." "I want a second opinion," Joe requested. "Okay, you have gall stones," announced the doctor, "$200, please." (The Born Loser, adapted) My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. (Joey Bishop) When I was born, Some said that I took after my mother. Some said that I took after my father. But I fooled 'em all. I took after the nurse! (Red Skelton) These words were found inscribed on a hypochondriac's tombstone: "I told you I was sick." Nurse to patient: "Wake up, Mr. Jones. Time for your sleeping pill!" The doctor felt the man's purse And said there was no hope. (Norton Mockridge) They found Jimmy Hoffa. He was on the maternity ward, Organizing labor. A high school principal was visiting his friend, Ben, in a state asylum. In the course of their conversation, his friend said, "You know, Sam, we are both from mental institutions, but you have to show improvement to get out of mine!" A young medical student was interviewing patients on the psychiatric ward. "And who are you, sir?" he asked a man with a paper hat on sideways. "I'm Napoleon!" he replied proudly. "Who told you that you were Napoleon?" the student asked. "God did!" he proclaimed. Just then, a voice piped up from the back of the room, "I did not!" The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. (Robert Frost) Did you hear about the guy who was shaving and accidentally cut his nose off? It shook him up so badly that he dropped his razor and cut off his big toe. He went to a cross-eyed surgeon. Now his nose runs and his feet smell! A minister was visiting a parishioner in ICU. His jaw was wired shut and he was connected to all kinds of life support systems. He seemed in anguish and handed his minister a handwritten note. Then he expired. After his funeral, the minister found the note he had placed in his pocket but had forgotten to read. It read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube." Larry: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." Moe: "Have you seen a doctor?" Larry: "No, just spots." Germs attack people where they're weakest. That's why there are so many head colds. —Alfred E. Newman (MAD #103) The following commercial was reportedly broadcast on radio quite a few years ago: "And here is Mrs. Jones to give her testimony about Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills:" "Oh, I just love to give my testimony about wonderful Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink, Liver Pills!" Mrs. Jones related enthusiastically. "Grandpa took Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills nigh on to fifty years. He died two weeks ago, and it was just yesterday we beat his liver to death with a stick!" My mother and father were first cousins. That's why I look so much alike. Some relatives call me the flower of the family: a Blooming Idiot. No, we don't give refunds for bad jokes. <From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. |
| Last Updated on Friday, 07 July 2017 15:21 |