YOU DON'T HAVE A PRAYER
In case of nuclear attack
the Supreme Court ban on prayer
will be temporarily lifted.

EPITAPH
Under these clouds
and under these trees,
lies a man named
Solomon Peas.
But Peas is not here,
only his pod.
Peas checked out
and went to God.
(Author: Solomon Peas)

WHO'S DEAD?
Nietzsche: "God is dead."
God: "Nietzsche is dead."

STRESSED OUT
I met a pastor
who slept like a baby.
(Woke up every two hours and cried).

ADVICE TO PREACHERS
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes
Stop boring.

BREVITY
He was able
to compress a ten minute sermon
into thirty minutes.

A SERMON DOESN'T HAVE TO BE EVERLASTING
To have eternal value.

BUTTON, BUTTON
WHO'S GOT THE BUTTON?
A preacher friend
used to time his sermons
by placing a breath mint
in his mouth
before he started speaking.
The mint melted
in about twenty minutes
and he would quit speaking.
One Sunday
he reached into his coat pocket
and popped a button in his mouth.
The last I heard
he was still preaching.

WHOSE JOB?
There were four people, named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it!
Somebody got angry, because
it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
In the end,
Everybody blamed Somebody, when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

ALMOST EVERY DAY
This was Johnny's first camp
and the counselor demanded,
"Johnny, you have to take a bath!"
"But Mr. Jones," Johnny defended,
"I had a bath
almost every day last week.
I almost had a bath Monday.
I almost had a bath Tuesday.
I almost had a bath Wednesday."
etc.
(NICKELODIAN)

ADAM AND EVE
It wasn't the apple in the tree
that got them into trouble.
It was the pair under the tree.

SMALL
When we lived in seminary housing,
our apartment was so small that,
1
We had to teach our dog
to wag his tail up and down.
2
We had to go outside
to change our mind.

MARTIN WHAT'S-HIS-NAME
A collector of rare books ran into an
acquaintance who had just thrown away an old
worn-out family Bible. He happened to mention
that Guten something-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the book
collector.
"Yep, that was the name!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of
the first books ever printed. A copy
recently sold at an auction for $400,000!"
"Mine wouldn't have been worth a dime,"
retorted the man. "Some clown named Martin
Luther had scribbled all over it."

MOTHER'S SON
A lady was praying
at the altar in a Catholic Church
when Jesus walked up
and tapped her on the shoulder.
She replied,
"Where's a you manners?
Can't you see I'ma talking
witha you mama?"

THE LOTTERY
A minister was asked to inform Joe
Jones, who had a heart condition, that he had
just won sixty million dollars in the state
lottery. Joe's wife was afraid that the
shock would cause another heart attack and he
would die.
The minister went to Joe's home and
said, "Joe, what would you do if you won the
sixty million dollar lottery?"
"Well, Pastor," Joe responded, "I would
probably give half of it to the church."
The minister COLLAPSED with a heart
attack.

PREACHERS AND BAKERS
Preachers are like bakers.
They both knead dough.

TIME FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL!
Mrs. Jones awakened her son Sunday morning:
"Johnny, time to get up and go to Sunday School!"
"But," replied Johnny, "I don't want to go!
And I have two good reasons:
(1) I don't like those people and
(2) They don't like me!"
"Johnny," demanded Mrs. Jones,
"You're going to Sunday School!
"And I'll give YOU two good reasons:
"(1) You're forty-five years old and
"(2) You're the pastor!"

QUIT THAT
Did you know it's a sin to play marbles?
Jesus said, "Marble not!"

IN THE MINISTRY
The rooster returned to the minister's
farm house after scratching in the newly-
plowed field. The hen was all upset and
blurted out,
"The preacher's wife is frying our two
sons for dinner tonight!"
"Well," the rooster replied, "I always
did want my sons to go into the ministry.
They wouldn't have made good laymembers
anyway!"

A SUNBEAM
Our son attended a church kindergarten.
One day he came home singing a new song that
he had learned that day:
"A Zombie, a Zombie, Jesus wants me for
a Zombie."

BEAR WITH US
"What did you learn in Sunday school
today, Johnny?" his mother asked.
"We learned a song about a bear," he
replied: "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

TICKLED GREEN
The preacher took his text from Daniel
5:25, "And this is the writing that was
written, MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN."
Which he translated, "Money, money
tickles your parson."

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY
The first woman smoker
was mentioned in the Bible:
Rebecca lit off a camel.

BASEBALL
The first baseball game
was mentioned in Genesis 1:1:
In the big inning.

AUTO
The first automobile
was mentioned in the Bible:
Job went out and sat on a Nash heap.

STATE
The first state
was mentioned in the Bible:
Noah looked out the ARKANSAS.

ONCE UPON A TIME
What time of day
did God create Adam?
(Right before Eve)
(Michael Landon)

YUCKY
When I pastored, people sometimes
brought us terrible food, which we promptly
threw away. When they asked us about it, we
replied,
"Food like that doesn't last long around
our house!"

TANGLED WEB
My memory is too poor
to be a good liar.
(Abraham Lincoln)

IDOLS
Man certainly is stark mad: He cannot
make a worm, and he makes gods by the dozen.
(Michel Eyquem de Montaigne)

BASEBALL
During the world series in 1989, the
Kansas City Royals and the St. Louis
Cardinals were to face each other. There was
quite a stir in the Kansas City area.
Our church was located in Oak Grove,
about fifteen miles east of the Kansas City
Sports Complex, on highway I-70. It was in
full view of motorists enroute to Kansas City
from St. Louis. Someone placed this message
on the church marquee:
Give up your Cardinal sins
and join the Royal family!

MISQUOTE
And Judas went and hanged himself.
Go and do thou likewise.
Whatsoever thou doest, do quickly.

COUNSELING
Mr. Casper Milquetoast and his unkempt
wife, Naggie, were in the pastor's office for
marital counseling. After listening for a
few minutes, the pastor got up from his desk,
walked around to where Naggie was seated and
planted a big kiss on her astonished face.
"See that she gets two of these per
week, Casper," the pastor prescribed.
(Pause)
"Could I bring her in at 2:00 p.m. on
Tuesdays and Thursdays?" timid Casper asked.

SHORT MEMORY
The young minister was listening to a
seasoned minister's sermon, when the
congregation was beginning to lose interest.
The older minister quickly gained everyone's
attention when he blurted out,
"The best years of my life were spent in
the arms of another man's wife [pause]—my
mother!"
The young minister made a mental note of
the attention-getting device. Later, when he
was preaching, the congregation started
evidencing boredom. He then loudly declared,
"The best years of my life were spent in
the arms of another man's wife...."
At this time, old ladies' mouths dropped
open, old men woke up, and everyone stared
wide-eyed in amazement. He had everyone's
attention, but the shock made his mind go
blank. He stuttered,
"And for the life of me, I can't
remember who she was."
(Speaker in Bible College, ca. 1958-60)

SUNDAY DINNER
The Jones family invited Pastor John for
Sunday dinner. After service, they all went
to the Jones' farm. Ma went into the kitchen
to get dinner going and Pa went outside to do
a few chores.
This left nine-year-old Johnny to
entertain the preacher in the living room.
Both sat in silence, Johnny sitting
with his head shyly bowed. Pastor John broke
the silence.
"Nice day, isn't it, Johnny?"
"Yup," Johnny replied, with his head
still bowed.
"Well, uh, what are we having for
dinner, Johnny?" the pastor questioned.
"You wouldn't believe me if I wuz to
tell you, Pastor," Johnny responded.
"Sure I would," Pastor John assured him,
"What are we having?"
"Buzzard."
"Buzzard! Are you sure, Johnny?"
"Yup. I heard Ma talking on the phone
to Mrs. Smith this morning, and she said,
`Guess it's about time we had that old
buzzard for dinner!'"

GOOD FOR NOTHING
Two boys were trying to outdo each
other. The first said,
"My dad is a doctor. I can be sick for
nothing!"
"Big deal!" the second shot back, "My
dad is a preacher. I can be good for
nothing!"

PARABLE OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A young man was interviewed to become a deacon 
and the church board was
asking him questions about the Bible.
"What is your favorite passage in the
Bible?" one of the board members asked.

"My favorite text is the Parable of the
Good Samaritan," the candidate replied. Then
he began to wax eloquent: "The good
Samaritan was riding his donkey down the road
to Jericho one day when he rode under the
bough of an oak tree. His long hair got
tangled in the branches and his donkey ran
out from under him and left him hanging there
for forty days and nights. Then along comes
Delilah and cuts his hair and he falls—he
falls among thieves who robbed him and left
him for dead. He picked hisself up and
hitchhiked a ride with Jehu in his chariot.
As they approached Jericho, the boys looked
down and said, 'It must be Jehu, for he
driveth furiously!' The boys hollered down
to Jehu and said `What should we do with this here
Jezebel woman?' Jehu said, 'Throw her down!'
The boys said, 'How many times?' Jehu said,
'70 times 70!' And of the fragments they
picked up twelve baskets. Now, I ax you,
'Whose wife will she be in the
resurrection?'"

PRAYER
During prayer meeting, Sister Jones made
this request,
"My husband is at death's door. Pray
that the Lord will pull him through."

FISH AND CHIPS
a monastery opened a fish and chips
stand in California. One of the first
customers asked the monk on duty,
"Are you the fish friar?"
"No, I'm the chip monk," he responded.

TWO-THIRDS OF A PUN
OR PU!
Mr. and Mrs. Skunk went to church where
they sprayed and sat in their own pew.
Their two offspring, appropriately named
IN and OUT, were always on the move, running
in and out the church and playing.
After church, IN could not be found and
OUT went out to look for him. Later, OUT
brought IN in. Papa Skunk asked,
"OUT, how did you find IN?"
OUT answered, "IN-stinct!"

SERMON TITLE
What on Earth Are You Doing
For Heaven's Sake?

REPLACEMENT
The late Cyril Homer,
a fellow Army Chaplain,
was filling the pulpit
for a minister who was out of town.
He stated,
"No one can really take the place
of your pastor.
In fact, I feel like a
piece of cardboard
used to temporarily replace
a broken window pane."
After the service,
a little old lady approached him and said,
"Brother Homer,
you're not a piece of cardboard.
You're a real pane!"

SAY SOMETHING!
The minister entered the pulpit and remarked,
"Before I bring the message,
I want to say something."

SOAP
Two aggies were standing on the street corner
when a priest walked by
with his arm in a cast. Jed asked,
"Good morning Father.
What happened to your arm?"
"I slipped on a bar of soap," he replied,
and broke it."
The priest walked past, and Clem asked,
"Jed, what is soap?"
"Clem, how should I know?
I ain't a Catholic!"

THE DEVIL YOU SAY!
The Sunday school teacher asked Johnny,
"Johnny, is the Devil real?"
Johnny replied,
"Naw, he's just like Santa Clause.
He's my daddy!"

PRAYER
Mr. Smith went bear hunting.
He finally saw a large bear
and had him in his sights.
Click! Click, click, click!
Forgot to load the rifle!
Mr. Smith knelt and prayed,
"Lord, may he be a Christian bear!"
The bear heard the sound and charged,
then stopped and also knelt and prayed,
"Lord, thank you for this food
I am about to receive."

COMPROMISE
Reverend  Smith went bear hunting.
He was cold and wanted a bear skin coat.
Soon, he met a hungry bear.
The bear said,
"Come into my cave and let's negotiate.
Maybe we can reach a compromise."
Both went in and only the bear came out.
The bear got his meal
and Reverend Smith got his fur coat.

PASTORS' PAY
Church work doesn't pay much,
but the retirement
is out of this world.

GOOD PRESS
Oral and Evelyn Roberts were taking
an evening walk by Lake Evelyn
when the wind blew her hat
into the lake.
Oral walked on the lake
picked up his wife's hat
and brought it back to her.
A member of the media saw what happened.
The next day's headlined screamed,
ORAL ROBERTS CAN'T SWIM!

NERVOUS USHER
Back in the days when people paid pew rent,
A tattered old lady did the unspeakable.
She went right up front
And sat in the pew of a "church boss."
The minister motioned for the head usher,
Nodded his head and pointed to the old lady.
The nervous usher approached her and said,
"Marden me, padame,
But you're occupewing the wrong pie.
If you will come with me to the chack of the birch,
I'll sew you to another sheet!"

THE CHANDELIER
The church was having a business meeting.
One of the main items on the agenda
was deciding whether or not to buy
a fancy chandelier for the entrance.
The congregation was about to vote
when Sam, the resident "aginer"
woke up, rose and said,
"I'm agin it fer four reasons:
One, we don't need it.
Two, we can't afford it.
Three, if we was to git it,
they ain't nobody here can play it.
An' four, what we really needs here is more light."

COMMENTARY ON COMMENTARIES
Wise old deacon to young preacher:
"You'd be surprised
how much light
the Bible throws
on them commentaries!"

CHURCH WEATHER REPORT
Relative humility: 50%
Chance of Participation: 10%

BIBLE NAMES
"I named my boys Bible names,"
said Clem,
"Matthew, Mark, Luke, Ralph..."
"Ralph!" interrupted Zeke,
"Ralph ain't no Bible name!"
"Ain't you ever heerd o' the Ralph o' God?"
countered Clem.
"I also named my girls Bible names,"
continued Clem,
"Mary, Ruth, Elizabeth, Shirley..."
"Now wait a minute,"
interrupted Zeke,
"I knows Shirley ain't no Bible name!"
"Ain't you never read yore Bible?"
"Shirley, Goodness and Mercy
shall follow me all the days of m' life!"

EXAGGERATION
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,"
began Fred at the confessional.
"Fred, have you been exaggerating again?"
quizzed Father Flanagan.
"Well, I did stretch the truth again,
and I tried, I really tried this time.
In fact, I've cried buckets of tears
over my problem."

BEAR WITH US
"Mommy, there's a bear in the front yard!"
Johnny exclaimed to his mother.
"Johnny, that's just a little puppy!"
replied his mother while looking out the window.
"Now, go into the closet and talk to the Lord
about your wild imagination!"
A few minutes later,
Johnny's mother opened the closet door and asked,
"Well, what did the Lord say about your `bear'?"
"The Lord said, `That's ok, Johnny.
The first time I seen him,
I thought he was a bear, too.'"
quipped Johnny.

TAKE IT WITH YOU
Jack O'Toole was dying and he called in
his three closest friends:
Sam, a Jew.
John, a Protestant.
and Terry, a Catholic.
"I may need some money,
so I am giving each of you
fifty thousand dollars in
twenty dollar bills.
Just before they close the casket
at my funeral,
I want each of you to place
your money in my casket.
Then, meet after the
graveside service and
report what you did."
After the graveside service,
the three friends met and reported:
Terry: "I placed my money in the casket.
John: "I did also."
Sam: "I got there a little late,
and the casket was too crowded
for me to put in my money.
So, I took out all the money
and left a personal check
for one hundred fifty thousand!"

BAPTIST BRED
BAPTIST FED
BAPTIST DEAD
The Baptist pastor
approached one of his deacons:
"Brother Jones,
I heard you became a Catholic.
It just doesn't seem like you.
You have been a Baptist
all your life!"
"Pastor,"
deacon Jones responded,
"I just learned
that I have a month to live
and I thought it would be better
for them to lose one of theirs
than for us to lose one of ours!"

CAN YOU CHEW TOBACCO
AND GO TO HEAVEN?
Yes,
But you'll have
to go to hell
to spit!
(C. Telford Patterson)

GRANDMA WAS REALLY
GETTING INTO THE SERMON
WITH LOUD AMENS!
Until the preacher
started preaching
against dipping snuff.
Grandma quickly deflated with
"There he goes!
Quit preachin'
and gone to meddlin'!

DIVERS DISEASES
Sick people that were taken with
divers diseases
were brought to Jesus.
The preacher said,
"Now, the doctors can scrutinize you,
analyze you
and sometimes cure your ills.
but when you have
DIVERS DISEASES
Them only the Lord can cure.
And brethren
there is a regular epidemic
of divers diseases among us!
Some dive for the door
after Sunday school is over.
Some dive for the television set
instead of going to church.
Some dive into a bog of excuses
when work for the Lord
is mentioned.
Others dive for the car
and take the boat to the lake
and forsake their teaching assignments.
Then a few dive into a flurry
of fault finding
every time the church takes on a project.
When you've got divers diseases
youse in a bad way.
Yes brethren,
it takes the Lord
and lots of love
to cure DIVERS DISEASES."

From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004