Construction
A house builder was showing a home
to a potential buyer.
About every five minutes
the builder would go to a window and yell,
"Green side up!"
Finally, the prospective buyer's
curiosity got the best of him
and he asked,
"Why do you continue to go the window
and yell,
"Green side up?"
"Well, we have a new guy laying sod,"
he replied.
A sheetrocker hired a new apprentice.
He noticed that the new guy
was looking at the nails
before using them.
He threw about half
out the window
and used the other half.
"Why are you wasting half of the nails?"
the boss asked.
"Half of them have the head on the wrong end!"
he replied.
"Dummy!"
the boss exclaimed,
"Those are for the other side of the wall!"
The carpenter's apprentice
was having a conversation
with himself:
"Doggone!"
"Cut that board off twice
and it's still too short!"
My friend, Dorsey Level,
was getting a little paunch.
I couldn't resist kidding him,
when I introduced him as speaker:
"We know he's on the level,
because he has the bubble in the middle!"
A construction worker was getting into trouble
because he would sometimes
do the work of another trade.
He said,
"It's ok. I have a roofer's card.
It covers everything!"
An electrician said to his wife jokingly,
"Since you are forty years old,
I think I'll trade you in
on two twenties."
She countered,
"You're not wired for 220!"
Old Ace forgot his voltmeter,
but he found a solution.
He talked his electrician helper
into touching a 440 volt line.
He made a mark on the floor
where it knocked him
and divided the space equally.
The result?
A floor-calibrated voltmeter.
Of course, it was a little
hard on the help that day.
A painter said to his assistant,
"Jed, get a good hold on that paintbrush.
I'm moving the ladder!"
He usually paints three coats at once:
One on the wall,
one on the floor,
and one on himself!
The plumber said to his assistant,
"Joe, I'm going to hold this cold chisel,
and when I nod my head,
you hit it."
He did, and he did.
After the nod, he went to the land of nod.
After he awakened,
his assistant went to the land of nod.
Hammer: tool for driving screws.
Screwdriver: tool for removing screws.
Pliers: tool for tightening nuts.
Hacksaw: tool for cutting off stripped heads
of nuts tightened by pliers.
Sledgehammer: tool for adjusting new doors.
Paycheck Adjustment: instrument for buying
new doors adjusted with sledgehammer.
It was a government job.
A carpenter hollered to the boss,
"Sam, this board's an inch off!"
"Datadoo,"
the boss said,
"Nail it down!"
I've got this little carpenter dog.
...does little odd jobs around the house."
Why did the carpenter build his house round?
(So his cat couldn't go potty in the corner.)
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004
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