MEDICAL JOKES
During my hernia surgery in the VA
Hospital in Kansas City, Tom, a young medical
student was assigned to interview me. He was
also a practicing attorney. He was pleasant
and a good sport. I couldn't resist telling
him this joke:
Mr. Jones was dying. He called his
doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. They
both entered quietly and stood solemnly near
the door. When Mr. Jones continued to lay
there with his eyes closed, his physician
broke the silence.
"Mr. Jones, we're here—what would you
like for us to do?"
Mr. Jones answered with an impish grin,
"Just stand on one side of the bed, and have
my lawyer stand on the other—I want to die
like my Lord—a thief on both sides!"
from actual medical records
dictated by physicians:
By the time he was admitted,
his rapid heart had stopped,
and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain
if she lies on her side
for over a year.
On the second day
the knee was better and
on the third day
it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed
ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released
to outpatient department
with out dressing.
The Patient is tearful
and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status:
Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition,
and therefore we will get Dr. Blank
to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male,
mentally alert, but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient had no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history
has been remarkable insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain
in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate directions
in early December.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and
anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER,
she was examined,
X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant,
infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit,
this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted,
her eyes rolled around the room.
There's a new medical specialty now,
called psychoceramics—
the study of crackpots.
A NEUROTIC builds air castles.
A PSYCHOTIC lives in them.
And a psychiatrist collects the rent!
A NEUROTIC knows 2 + 2 = 4
But it makes him "so nervous."
A PSYCHOTIC knows 2 + 2 = 5
But it only works in HIS mind.
A SOCIOPATH knows 2 + 2 = 4
But he could care less.
PARADOX: Two doctors.
DOCTRINE: Lady doctor.
MEDICINE: Something you shake up and take.
RUG: Something you take up and shake.
EPISTLE: Wife of an Apostle.
"Joe, you have appendicitis,"
pronounced the doctor,
"Twenty-five dollars, please."
"I want a second opinion,"
Joe requested.
"Okay, you have gall stones,"
announced the doctor,
"fifty dollars, please."
(The Born Loser, adapted)
My doctor is wonderful.
Once, in 1955,
when I couldn't afford an operation,
he touched up the X-rays.
(Joey Bishop)
When I was born,
Some said that I took after my mother.
Some said that I took after my father.
But I fooled 'em all.
I took after the nurse!
(Red Skelton)
These words were found inscribed
on a hypochondriac's tombstone:
"I told you I was sick."
Nurse to patient:
"Wake up, Mr. Jones.
Time for your sleeping pill!"
The doctor felt the man's purse
And said there was no hope.
(Norton Mockridge)
They found Jimmy Hoffa.
He was on the maternity ward,
Organizing labor.
A high school principal was visiting his
friend, Ben, in a state asylum. In the
course of their conversation, his friend
said,
"You know, Sam, we are both from mental
institutions, but you have to show
improvement to get out of mine!"
A young medical student was interviewing
patients on the psychiatric ward.
"And who are you, sir?"
he asked a man with a paper hat on sideways.
"I'm Napoleon!"
he replied proudly.
"Who told you that you were Napoleon?"
the student asked.
"God did!"
he proclaimed.
Just then, a voice piped up
from the back of the room,
"I did not!"
The brain is a wonderful organ. It
starts working the moment you get up in the
morning and does not stop until you get into
the office.
(Robert Frost)
Did you hear about the guy who was
shaving and accidentally cut his nose off?
It shook him up so badly that he dropped his
razor and cut off his big toe. He went to a
cross-eyed surgeon.
Now his nose runs and his feet smell!
A minister was visiting a parishioner in
ICU. His jaw was wired shut and he was
connected to all kinds of life support
systems. He seemed in anguish and handed his
minister a handwritten note. Then he expired.
After his funeral, the minister found
the note he had placed in his pocket but had
forgotten to read. It read,
"You're standing on my oxygen tube."
Larry: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Moe: "Have you seen a doctor?"
Larry: "No, just spots."
Germs attack people where they're weakest.
That's why there are so many head colds.
—Alfred E. Newman (MAD #103)
The following commercial was
reportedly broadcast on radio
quite a few years ago:
"And here is Mrs. Jones to give
her testimony about
Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills:"
"Oh, I just love to give my testimony about wonderful
Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink, Liver Pills!"
Mrs. Jones related enthusiastically.
"Grandpa took Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills
nigh on to fifty years.
He died two weeks ago,
and it was just yesterday
we beat his liver to death with a stick!"
My mother and father were first cousins.
That's why I look so much alike.
Some relatives call me the flower of the family:
a Blooming Idiot.
No, we don't give refunds for bad jokes.
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004
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