Become A Vegetable Activist

By Dr. John E. Russell

I have decided to become a vegetable activist. As far as I have been able to determine, about every other cause has been taken.

I said to my friend Pat the other day: "Pat," I said, "We ought to start something off-the-wall. Only something off-the-wall will gain a following now-a-days."

Pat replied, "There's nothing left on the wall."

I call my new organization, SEED, Society for the Elimination of Egotistical Despots.

Who speaks up for the vegetables who cannot speak for themselves? They have feelings, too, you know! The vegetable abusers use euphemisms such as "farms." Farms are nothing more than slaughterhouses. Then, the abusers have the gall to place vegetable corpses in the "produce" section of grocery stores. Or, they take fertilized eggs (seeds) and make bread and cookies out of them. Shame!

Probably the worse abuse and hypocrisy occurs when the criminals who sell beautiful flowers exploit the reproductive phase of the vegetable kingdom. The reproductive cycle of the poor vegetables is stopped cold--abortion under the euphemism of "beauty." I understand that that the liberals in Congress are going to sponsor a bill making it legal to abort vegetables at any state of development!

Seeds and sprouts have been declared "non-vegetables" by the Supreme Court! Chinese food is predicted to gain in popularity.

The socialists in Congress are rumored to have a hidden agenda whereby new laws will make it legal for genetic experimentation! What the Department of Agriculture has done for years is now legal.

What can the concerned citizen do? Write your congressman, congresswoman, congressperson, congress-they or congress-it and demand new laws protecting vegetables. Blockade the produce section of your local grocery. Eat hamburgers without lettuce and tomato. Vent your outrage by throwing away cans of vegetables--call my organization and I will dispose of them properly, safely, and with quiet dignity.

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