MISCELLANEOUS
A bum rang the doorbell of a house in a
wealthy neighborhood. The maid opened the door.
Bum: "Ma'am, could youse spare a sandwich?"
Maid: "I'll make you a sandwich, but
you'll have to work for it. Here, take this
green paint around back and paint the porch."
About an hour later the bum rang the front doorbell.
Bum: "Well, I did what you asked.
But that wasn't no Porsche.
It was a BMW!"
Craig, my wife's nephew, went to a
convenience store to purchase charcoal that
was on sale. He loaded up ten bags of
charcoal in his shopping cart and went to the
checkout stand.
"I'm sorry sir," the cashier
contested,"but you are limited to one bag
of charcoal with a ten dollar purchase."
"Yeah, I know," retorted Craig. "That's
why I didn't buy ten dollars worth of goods—
I didn't want to be limited to one bag of
charcoal!"
The confused cashier rang up ten bags
of charcoal at the sale price.
A Texan was being introduced
to a Louisianian:
"Louisiana? The Texan asked, "Isn't that
an outlying province of Texas?"
"Impossible!" said the Louisianian,
"Nothing can outlie Texas!"
12TH GRADE READING TEST
SLICK WILLY, ADMINISTRATOR
TEST #1
MR DUCKS!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CM WANGS?
LIB
MR DUCKS!
TEST #2
MR FARMERS!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CMMT POCKETS?
LIB
MR FARMERS
TEST #3
MR SNAKES!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CM BDIS
LIB
MR SNAKES
TEST #4
MR MICE!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CMEDBD FEET?
LIB
MR MICE
POETRY
LOOKIT JO
SEEDEM GO
TOUSAN BUZZES INARO
NO JO
DEMS TRUX
SUMMIT COWS
SUMMIT DUX
Did you hear about the firefly
that flew backwards into the fan?
He was delighted no end.
Did you year about the butcher
who backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
We were so poor growing up that:
1
We couldn't pay attention.
(Gene Wilcutt)
2
We ate beans for breakfast,
drank water fer dinner,
and swelled up fer supper.
(Festus of Gunsmoke)
3
When we were robbed,
all the robber got
was practice.
(AMWAY Speaker)
4
We ate dirt for breakfast,
then walked barefoot 10 miles to school and back,
uphill both ways!
(Steve Chapman)
My girlfriend had such a big mouth that
She could eat a banana sideways.
Once, I took her to a football game.
At the kickoff, the ball was heading for us
and I yelled, "Duck!"
"I don't see no duck," she said.
And if she hadn't had her mouth open
that football would have hit her right smack in her face.
A trucker was having a hamburger
at a diner when a dozen bikers
came in. One sat on his left side
reached over and took a bite out of
his hamburger. Another on his right
took a sip of his coffee. The trucker
quietly got up, paid the cashier and left.
"Not much of a man,"
said a biker to the waitress.
"Not much of a driver, either,"
said the waitress,
"He just ran over a dozen motorcycles!"
Well, Hilo, Hawaii?
Fine, Oahu?
They're mixing Energine with Pepsi now.
It not only hits the spot
It removes it.
She's lovely!
She's engaged!
She uses Ponds!
(So do frogs)
California is granola country:
The land of fruits, nuts and flakes.
A lady handed the auctioneer a note,
which he read silently,
and then made this announcement,
"Mr. Jones has lost his wallet with 2000 dollars
And he is offering 200 dollars."
After a brief pause,
a hand was raised
And the man responded,
"I'll bid 210!"
(Paul Harvey)
I was in a restaurant the other day.
Finally the waitress arrived and asked,
"You been waiting long?"
"Nah," I answered,"I needed a shave before I came."
She brought me some CHICKEN NOODLE soup.
After tasting the soup, I commented,
"I always wondered what they did
with those CHICKEN HEADS."
She poured me a cup of coffee.
"This coffee tastes like mud!"
I exclaimed.
"It should," she responded,
"It was GROUND this morning."
There was a fly in my soup,
so I queried,
"What's that fly doing in my soup?"
"Well, I don't rightly know,"
she replied,
"But it looks like the breast stroke."
Later she asked for a tip.
"Don't play the horses,"
I advised.
"I wouldn't bet on it,"
she countered.
Two businessmen were talking on the phone:
"I heard you're having a fire sale, Abe."
"No, Sam, its a going-out-of business sale.
Fire sale is next week."
A fellow pastor and were talking and I said:
"We were visiting some friends..."
"John," he interupted,
"I didn't know you had any friends."
I dropped some laundry off
at a Chinese Laundry the other day.
"I couldn't help but notice
the name of your establishment,
`Franz Heinz Laundry,'"
I stated.
"Well, it happened this way,"
he explained.
"I was in line to apply for citizenship.
The guy ahead of me was named Franz Heinz.
When they asked me my name,
I answered, `Sam Ting.'"
A lion strutted
to the center of a jungle clearing
and let out a terrific ROAR.
All the animals
stampeded into hiding
except a lone, frightened,
shivering monkey.
"Little monkey," the lion asked,
"Why can't you ROAR like that?"
The monkey replied meekly,
"I been sick!"
(Dovie Murray)
My mother used to tell me this
every morning before I left for school:
"Son," she would say,
"Don't forget to breathe today.
Just remember your father.
He quit breathing
and just look where it got him."
"Johnny," the teacher asked.
"Who discovered America?"
"Who do you think, Teacher?" Johnny answered.
"I don't think—I know!" she shot back.
"Well, I don't think I know, either,"
Johnny responded.
How to get a talking dog:
1
Buy a good WATCHDOG.
2
Dip him in sheep dip to get rid of TICKS.
3
Then, all he will do is TOC.
Lincoln watched a lady cross the street
who had a feather in her hat.
When she tripped and fell, he exclaimed,
"Look at that!
A feather on one end,
And down on the other!"
When Einstein wrote his
Theory of Relativity,
his wife commented,
"It's about time!"
The bald men's club moved again.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
A friend would only have one date with a girl
and she wouldn't go out with him again.
"Try complimenting her," I suggested.
The next day, I asked him if he got another date.
"No."
"Did you compliment her?"
"Well, yes.
I couldn't think of anything at first.
I finally said,
`You know, for a fat girl, you don't sweat much.'"
(Andy Griffin)
My father-in-law carried a few groceries
from the grocery store and commented,
"I must be getting stronger—
I used not to be able to carry $10 worth of groceries."
A drunk staggered down the aisle of flight #333.
He fell against a seat
and looked into the face of a baby, commenting,
"Lady, that is the ugliest kid I ever saw!"
The young mother burst into tears.
A stewardess, attempting to comfort her, said,
"May I bring you a drink or something?"
"I'll have a Coke," she sobbed.
The stewardess returned with the drink
and said to her,
"Here's your Coke."
"And, Oh! Here's a banana for your monkey."
A young mother was pushing her baby in a baby carriage.
Red Skelton came by, looked into the carriage and said,
"Don't get him close to a tree, or you'll lose him!"
(Red Skelton)
Once upon a time, somewhere in the universe,
the good crew of the Enterprise went on a mission.
They were to make first contact
with a life form called The Furries.
They were cute little fuzzballs
with pleasant dispositions like Rush Limbaugh.
After beaming down to the planet's surface,
the Captain and the away team
were taken down into a subterranean tunnel.
Finally, they arrived at a cavernous throne room.
There on the throne was a furry with
a crown that looked like a hypodermic syringe.
You guessed it!
He was the Furry with the Syringe on Top.
Larry: "I'm positive!"
Moe: "Only fools are positive!"
Larry: "Are you sure?"
Moe: "I'm positive!"
A inmate in a prison
spent 10 years training
an ant circus.
After getting out of prison,
he went into a bar
opened a box and
dumped his trained ants on the bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he said, while pointing,
"See those ants?"
"Pesky little things,"
the barkeeper replied
as he squashed them with his thumb.
It has been rumored that
all federal offices will now close
in honor of
George Birthington's Washday.
A small boy approached a man
standing near the door of a department store.
"Mister, would you please hold this box
while I go inside?" the boy asked?
While he was holding the box
it started leaking.
"I wonder what it is?"
he said to himself
as he touched the liquid to his tongue.
"Tastes like beer,"
he mumbled to himself.
At that time
the boy burst through the door with
"Thanks, mister,
for holding my puppy!"
If we had some bacon,
we could have some bacon and eggs
if we had some eggs.
Send me a donation
and you can join my exclusive club,
the National Association for the Advancement
of Po' White Trash,
Incarcerated, Discombobulated,
of which I am the lifetime president,
treasurer
and sole recipient.
Why did Goofy
cut a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see
the floor show.
Why did he cover it up?
He didn't want to see
the hole show.
We buy junk
and sell antiques.
Susan's mother enrolled her in school.
She instructed the teacher,
"If my daughter gets unruly in class,
just slap the girl next to her
and it will intimidate Susan!"
(Celia Steiner)
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
©John E. Russell 1993-2004
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