MILITARY
Sam was in the Army overseas.
His brother Joe wrote him a short note:
"Dear Sam,
The cat died.
Joe"
Sam wrote back:
"Dear Joe,
You know I loved that old cat.
Why didn't you break the news gently?
You could have written,
`The cat was on the roof.'
Then later you could have written,
`The cat fell off the roof
and passed away.'
Sam."
The next week Sam got a letter from Joe:
"Dear Sam,
Mother was on the roof."
WHERE NO MAN
HAS GONE BEFORE
When I was an Army Reserve Chaplain,
I visited the USAR Center in
Springfield, Missouri.
Having that indescribable urge,
I sought the appropriate place.
The doors were inset
down the narrow hallway.
Glancing at the sign,
I read,
"MEN."
After entering,
I noticed a unique dispenser
attached to the wall.
After a quick exit,
I stared at the sign
that had been partially obscured
by the door frame.
It read,
"WOMEN."
This incident supposedly happened in the Navy:
Seaman apprentice Jones was on watch
when someone approached.
"Halt, who goes there?"
Jones challenged.
"Captain Marvel,"
came the reply.
"Well, this is Superman,"
Jones quipped,
"Fly over and identify yourself!"
PFC Jones was on duty in the motor pool
when the phone rang.
He answered,
"Cool fool in the motor pool,
your dime, my time, your rhyme!"
"What kind of vehicles do you have available?"
asked the voice at the other end.
"We got a duce and a half,
a five-quarter,
a quarter ton,
and a sedan for the big, fat general."
"Soldier, do you know who you're talking to?"
Questioned the voice from the other end,
"This is the general!"
[Silence]
"Do you know who this is?"
Jones asked,
"No."
"Bye, fatso!"
Joe was a good ole Mississippi boy
serving in the Army in the Far East.
He took thirty days leave
and flew 2000 miles to the west coast,
travelled 800 miles on Amtrak,
rode 200 miles on Greyhound,
got a 10 mile lift on a swamp boat,
and swung in the last 5 miles on vines.
He ran up the front porch steps and
was about to knock on the door,
when he saw the sign,
"Gone to the country—
be back Sunday"
Two ole Mississippi boys were always fighting.
When they graduated from high school,
Sam joined the Navy
and Joe joined the Marines.
After boot camp,
both came home on leave.
Joe, who was about 75 pounds heavier,
said to Sam the whitehat,
"I'm gonna whoop-up on you!"
The Marine kicked him in the stomach, saying,
"That's the Ja-pan Judo!"
Then Joe gave him a chop, saying,
"That's the Ko-rean karate!"
Later that day,
Sam sneaked up on Joe,
hit him over the head with a crowbar,
and said,
"When he wakes up—if he evah wakes up,
tell him that was a
Sears and Roebuck crowbar!"
While having lunch in the Officers' Club
I noticed a man in his sixties
who was wearing a Second Lieutenant's bar.
"You're probably wondering why
I'm still a Second Lieutenant," He said.
"Well, it all began when I was
an Army Air Corps pilot in England
during WWII.
"We kept having practice scrambles
during the night.
So I got the bright idea
to train a chimpanzee
to start my engines,
then return after they called off the alert.
"Everything went well
until they had a real alert."
"I haven't been promoted since."
"What happened to the Chimpanzee?"
I queried.
He replied,
"He's now a general!"
"Joe, do you remember old Sergeant Dye?"
I asked my old Army buddy.
"Sure! Remember, he couldn't swim?"
replied Joe.
"He used to just wade when we went swimming!
You know that he retired in Faye, Arkansas?"
"No kidding!" I answered,
"I Never thought he would retire."
"Yep!" Joe added,
"Old Dye never soldiers.
He just wades in Faye!"
When I was in the Army
Clothing came in two sizes:
Too big
and
Too small!
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004
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