POEMS
God gave us two ends:
One to sit on,
One to use.
Success depends
on which you use:
Heads you win,
Tails you lose!
If your deeds are many
and your rewards are few,
remember that the mighty oak
was once a nut like you!
1
He's a poet and don't know it.
But his feet show it
They are long fellows.
2
He's a poet and don't know it.
But his wallet shows it.
He's very Poe.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring—
Th' spoons wuz all dirty.
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who kept his cash in a bucket.
One day his daughter Nan
Ran away with a man.
And as fer the bucket,
Nan took it.
What the nose knows?
Speak, beak!
There was an old man from Kent,
Whose nose was exceedingly bent.
One day, I suppose,
He followed his nose.
And nobody knows where he went!
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Two mice ran up the Clock.
The clock struck one,
But the other escaped
With minor injuries
And superficial lacerations
About the head and shoulders.
Little Miss Mary
Quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With Vigero,
You Schmo!
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
You're so very high up there, I think.
Up above the scarry sty,
Like a dime one
In the sky.
Swhisshy May, Swhisshy Mite,
Haime what I swhish tonite.
I jus' had tee martuniees,
An' I'm soberly perfect.
In fack,
I'm not as drunk
As some thinkle
Peep I am.
If you drive, don't drink.
If you drink, don't drive.
If you think, don't drink.
If you drink, you don't think.
1
There once was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She went away one day in a relative way,
And came back the previous night.
2
There once was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She went away one day in a relative way.
And came back and gave me a sunburn.
Harry was a chemist,
But Harry is no more.
What he drank for H2O.
Was H2SO4.
There was a young lady named Lynn,
Whose form was so exceedingly thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw
And fell in.
An epicure, while dining in Caru
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Whispered the waiter, Don't Shout
Und schling it about
Or Der rest vill be vanting one too!
Fly, little 'skeeterhawk,
On gossamer wings.
And gobble-up bugs
What bites and stings!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her.
And she ate him, too—hey!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
And so, you see, between them both,
Their cholesterol averaged mean.
Thirty days has September,
April, June and No wonder!
All the rest got peanut butter sammiches,
'Cept grammaw—she got a little red motorcycle.
'Twas in the cafe
Where they met,
This Romeo and Juliet.
He had no cash to pay the debt,
So Romie owed what Julie et.
Down in the holler
Not very far off.
A Jaybird died
with th' whoopin' cough.
He whooped and he hollered
and he whooped and he coughed.
'Til he whooped his haid
and his tail right off!
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint idea with my computer,
There was a slight noise—an intruder!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Opened the shutters and raised the sash.
Then what to my wondrous eyes should see on the ledging!
But what appeared to be a fuzzball fledgling.
After a short search in my CD ROM encyclopedia
"He is a Rari!" said my multimedia.
Not much was known about them.
They were just rare
And needed tons of tender-loving care.
(And tons of food, too!)
Not a sound did he utter
As he ate bread and butter.
And he ate everything else in the house
`Cept Snuffy my dog and Carolyn my spouse.
I couldn't afford to feed him
And the zoo didn't need him.
I was in a stew,
So I did what I had to do.
I loaded him on my flatbed truck
And drove him over the cliff to chuck.
He looked at me with mournful eyes,
And to my great surprise,
Spoke his first words recordari,
"That's a long way to tip a Rari!"
A frequent flyer
had this poem
printed on the reverse
of his business card:
I see that you smoke.
I want to warn you, I chew.
If you don't blow smoke on me,
I won't spit on you!
Slippery ice—very thin;
Pretty girl—tumbled in.
Gave a shriek—then she sank.
Boy on hand—heard her shout;
Jumped right in—pulled her out.
Now he's hers—very nice;
But first she had to break the ice.
(Phillip Wannamacher)
Susie had a mama cat.
She fed her on tin cans.
And when the kittens came along,
they came in FORD sedans!
There once was a young lady from Natchez
Whose clothes were covered in patches.
When asked why
She would reply
When it itches
I scratches!
Little peanut
crawled upon
the railroad track.
His heart was all aflutter.
Roar!
Squish!
Peanut butter.
Tripe, tripe
the more you eat
the less you gripe.
The less you gripe
the better you feel.
So eat your tripe
at every meal.
'Twas early in the morning
in the noonday shade
when the Russians caught
the charge of the light brigade.
Cannons to the left
cannons to the right
and the cheerleaders
were yelling
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(But we were all killed).
Ladies and gentlemen
hobos and tramps
crosseyed mosquitoes
and bowlegged ants:
I stand before you
To tell you that I
I stand behind you.
As you all know
next Thursday is Good Friday.
There will be
a Father's Day meeting
for mothers only.
No admission
pay at the door.
Pull up a chair
and sit on the floor.
"Let me see, now,"
said the blind carpenter
to his deaf daughter
as he picked up his hammer
and saw!
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004
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