SCIENCE

TEXAS A & M STUDY ON PICKLES

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

1 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
2 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
3 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
4 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
5 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle-eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

All pickle-eaters born between 1899 and 1919 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight--if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists. Rats forced-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Our per capita consumption is nearly four pounds.

TEXAS A & M STUDY ON MALE BALDNESS

After a twenty year study on male pattern baldness, Aggie scientists have come to some concrete conclusions. Men do not actually lose their hair. It simply grows downward and out their ears and nose. (Adapted from Steve Chapman).

TEXAS A & M STUDY ON SPACE TRAVEL

For years scientists at Texas A & M have wanted to go to the sun. However, as you all know, the sun is at least as hot as West Texas and any space traveller would be burned up should he make it to the sun's surface.

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