MARITAL BLISS
A recent Texas A and M study revealed
that married men do not live longer than single men.
It only seems like it.
is like grass.
It will eventually
grow on you.
or
are you married?"
(Curly)
A REAL JOKER
(NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH)
Two couples were playing cards.
One lady said to her husband,
"You're cheating!"
"How do you know?"
he asked.
She answered,
"You're not playing
the cards I dealt you!"
always up in the air harping about something.
Gives me a burnt offering every morning.
I NEVER LISTEN TO HER
(At least that's what
I think she says.)
She stepped on a piece of fruit cake
and a current ran up her leg!
Nothing's too good for my husband.
And that's exactly what he's gonna get!
The vacuum, dishwasher, lawnmower, etc.
WHAT I SAY GOES
in one ear and out the other.
when my wife and I have a disagreement:
"Yes, dear."
A childless university professor
had seven theories about raising children.
Then he had seven children,
and no theories.
Zha Zha Gabor is an excellent housekeeper.
In her seven divorces,
she kept every house.
Prudence showed prudence in all of her four marriages.
She married a millionaire, an actor,
a preacher, and an undertaker:
One for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
And four to go!
The minister forgot the names of a
couple that he was supposed to marry, so he
announced during the service, "Will those
wishing to be united in holy matrimony please
come forward after the service?"
After the service, thirteen old maids
came forward.
If you don't like the way my wife drives,
Stay off the sidewalk!
A lady stalled her car
in a busy intersection.
A policeman said to her,
"Use your noodle, lady!"
He returned a few minutes later,
after directing traffic.
The lady sobbed,
"Officer, I've pushed and pulled
everything in this car
and I still can't find the noodle!"
My wife and I were talking the other day.
She said,
"I'll say one thing..."
"You can't say one thing,"
I squeezed in.
If love is a dream,
then marriage is an alarm clock.
The difference between UNION and UNITY:
Tie two cats' tails together
and throw them over a clothesline.
You have union,
but not unity.
(NOTE: don't try this at home.)
looked like he fell
through an ugly tree
... hit every limb...
(they come out at night).
If a cantaloupe can't elope,
what can elope?
A pear.
(Or was that a lemon?)
OR
BUCK FEVER
Sam and Jane were happily married,
but so busy that they hardly had any time together.
They decided to make time to be together.
Jane said,
"Teach me to shoot a rifle,
and I'll go deer hunting with you."
Sam bought her a rifle and taught her to shoot.
Finally, the first day of deer season came.
They set up deer stands about fifty yards apart.
They could hear each other,
but could not see each other because of the brush.
After about thirty minutes of silence,
three shots rang out in quick succession.
Then, Sam heard his wife arguing with some man:
"He's mine! I shot him and I want him!
He's mine! I got him!"
Sam arrived just in time to hear the man gave in:
"Ok, lady, ok!
Just let me get my saddle off!"
A family was driving through Texas
when they passed through a town named Mexia.
"Dear, the wife asked,
"How do you pronounce that name?"
"I dunno," the husband responded,
"Let's pull into the Dairy Queen and ask."
They pulled up to the drive-in window
and asked the lady,
"How do you pronounce your name?"
She replied,
"Day-re Queen."
Here Lies My Wife
Here Let Her Lie
Now She's At Rest
And So Am I
God made the world and rested.
God made man and rested.
God made woman
And since then,
no one has rested.
In the early part of our nation
Before the use of embalming
Clem's wife Emma passed away.
After the funeral
The pallbearers stumbled over rough ground
Dropping the casket.
The violent jar revived Emma,
Who lived another 10 years.
After her second funeral
Clem walked close to the casket
Encouraging the pallbearers with
"Easy, boys, easy!"
Two golfing buddies were playing golf
when a funeral procession passed by.
Sam stopped, placed his hat over his heart
and waited for the cars to pass.
"You don't often see that kind of respect for the dead,"
Joe commented to Sam.
"It was the least I could do,"
mumbled Sam as he prepared to tee off,
"...lived with her for 40 years."
"You're argumentative!"
I yelled at my wife.
"I am not!"
she yelled back.
I walk for my health.
My wife said that if I didn't
get out of the house
she would kill me!
Once upon a time
while strolling down a beach
a man found a lamp.
When he rubbed it
a genie appeared
and granted three wishes
but with this one condition:
his mother-in-law would receive
twice as much of the wish
as he did.
First, he wished for a million dollars.
His mother-in law received two million dollars.
Second, he wished for a Cadillac.
His mother-in-law received two Cadillacs.
Thoughtfully, he questioned the genie,
"My mother-in-law receives twice what I do?"
"Yes," reassured the genie.
For his third wish, he asked,
"Well, beat me half to death!"
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From my ebook, They All Laughed At Me When I Said That I Was Going to Write A Joke Book. Download this book free at http://BusterSoft.com/JRCM.
© John E. Russell 1993-2004
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